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“I love you” Those words are sacred, we don’t say to someone or other.

For me, those words mean a promise, an engagement to another person, to be there and to care.

Once I had a madness to tell it to my pseudo boyfriend at that time to please him. Yes! really bad idea and I regretted it since then. So, I make a promise to myself I won’t say those words only when I mean it, when the person is worth it , and if I were lucky, to hear that person tell it back to me.

Act I  – “I like you”

With my girlfriend, we didn’t really realize yet what’s really going on between us, and, we had the same view about the sense of the “I love you”. So, from the night we decide to date, we wished good night with “I like you” as signature. Cute!

Act II  –  “I like you a lot”

We decide to be honest and tell everything about ourselves. Like best friends would do But, transition from friend to girlfriend was little hard.

We began to tell about our past, our exes. And I have to say, I got luggage ! And it was a little hard for her to swallow it.

She said : “If you were a friend, I would just laugh at you, but you are more than that, and I don’t know how to react”  That was our first argue. Anyway, she told hers too, and comparing to myself, it wasn’t that insignificant. But I told to myself  “what can I do against that? she already did all those things so why should I lose my time on that?”

It takes time before she though like me and accepted my more and less heavy past.

It’s like after that fight, instead of being apart, we came closer. So then, we signed our sms a little longer “I like you a lot”

Act III  –  “You are the most important person in my life”

We decided to spend a little week-end together at her second residence.

After work, we went shopping, buying everything that we wanted to eat, because, we didn’t want to cook. Her mother were waiting for us there. She was afraid we just get drunk over there. So, she was a kind of guardian of alcohol. Lol She couldn’t imagine that we just wanted to spend time together, alone, in a bed.

Anyway, it was raining that night. We had really a bad surprise on the way to go at her place. We were on bike. And because of the rain, the road was impractical : puddle and mud. She had to ride alone, and I walked. It was dark like hell, nobody around, just some dogs barking far-off. At the end, we had to push the bike along, because of the mud, and it felt down! Fortunately, we were already near her place, and fortunately, the network were still available. So we called for help.

We arrived safe and sound at her place, completely tired and starving. We had dinner with mum and went to bed, without mum. Even if we were tired, we spent a magic night anyway. The half of it, we were not sleeping.

In the morning, her mum had to go to some sewing class. So, for all day, we had the whole house just for us. But, most of the time we spent it in her bedroom, in her bed. We wanted to make up our half night sleeping.

In the evening, we were so sad, we had to return back to our respective place.

And, it was raining again. So we decided to wait a little long for the rain to stop. We laid down for a while, my eyes in hers, she said “you are the most important person in my life”

I wanted to say that I loved her, but I resigned myself, it was too soon, …

Spencer---Ashley-south-of-nowhere-160504_1120_1052Just got a new friend from my work. I noticed her before but I never thought something would happen between us. It occurs that we both like to have fun by drinking, spending time together outside. So we made plans, we hang out together, some friends, her and myself. That night, we were so drunk that some along the way, we kissed. Actually, when I’m drunk, it happen I kiss girls in front of everybody… I really didn’t minded it. Neither, she does. And even after, I slept at her place, in her bed and nothing happen. Truly, we liked each others, we had some more nights like those but without the kissing part, but just hanging around with some friends…

And one night, I came out to her. She was so understanding, she doesn’t care about my sexuality, she said :“people can do what they want, it’s ok with me”. I was so glad, she didn’t reject me. And to respect her choice, I decide to stay a friend and just a friend, not more. I accepted that idea. But, things happen when you really don’t expect it …

This same night, instead of going home, I went at her place again, said hi to her mom again and slept next to her, again. I don’t know what happen, who began or may be because of all the alcohol I swallowed that night but when we were in the dark, in the same bed, under the same blanket, we kissed. A simple kiss at first and then it became more passionate … well, I guess you wonder what happen next, … yes we made love.

In the morning, my alarm clock rang. Even with the cold shower I took, I still had a damn headache. It was a really big hangover, I couldn’t really think,  yet I had to go to work … Anyway, that morning, we didn’t talk about what happen the night before.  She gave me a shirt, walked with me to the bus stop and I left.

Few days after, I jumped and asked her out. She said “That’s not really the best choice” … I had to say, I agree. Being gay is not easy, especially in my society, I would never encourage people to take that way. If they still can stay straight, then stay straight.

But, as I am a good friend, we still see each other, I invited her for breakfast, she invited me for dinner. Our get-together were like dates, but it wasn’t. I didn’t court her, and she taught to me like a friend. But at our last not-a-date, we decide to go by foot to her place. Seems like we were flirting a little bit … Back at my place, I sent her a goodnight SMS , she replied “Big kiss, have sweet dreams, I miss you already, I like to be with you. Kiss. Kiss”

I’m lost, I resign myself to be just a friend but because of this weird connection we have, I don’t know anymore if it’s just a simple friendship or more than that. I’m afraid, afraid to fall in love, afraid to be fool, afraid to get hurt. And at the same time, I don’t wanna hold myself, I want to be with her as if she was my girlfriend …

debsproduction15

Today, I came out one of my friend. We are co-worker and we became friends because we had a lot of friends in common, we spend good time together, having fun.

 

If I choose to tell her, it’s because we began to talk about feelings and relationships. She told me stuff that she wouldn’t tell to a simple friend. We became close friends. But then she asked me: “How about you?” How can I answer that? I wanted to tell her but I was afraid,  she wouldn’t understand. I wanted to avoid the awkward situation after… like now. She concluded that I didn’t wanted to tell her. I just answer that my preferences were completely different from hers, and she can be shocked if I told her.

If I decide to coming out to her, it’s because I wanted to be honest with her. That’s unfair that she share her thoughts with me and I just like minding my own business. She deserves to know who I really am.

 

How did I tell her? I went to this party with my gay friends, you know, just between girls. And I was a little drunk, I dare to send her sms : “I’m with bunch of girls and one of them is my girlfriend” She answer : “enjoy it!” I was lost … enjoy it? I were prepare for different answer like insult or teaching lesson or no answer at all, but that, that was unexpectable…

 

The morning at work, we chat a little on the computer. At first, I acted like I didn’t do anything … and at the end, I told her and we talk about it more freely. She try hard to hide her disagreement, that she was fine with it. But more we talk, more it shows she wasn’t that ok with it.

She told me, If I said that 3 or 4 years ago, she wouldn’t stand it. Somewhere, she still can’t stand it.

There was a friend of her who’s gay and she couldn’t jug him at that time… Who can blame her, she’s right. It’s not easy to accept or to tolerate a situation that you find abnormal, unnatural, out of line. But after that, after what she saw and discover later on, she try to change her mind, there are people different from her and she has to face it one day or another.

Anyway, she told me something that made me think : “ a hidden relationship is a wrong relationship” She’s right but I’m not hiding because of shame or because I think it’s wrong, I prefer not to tell because I don’t think people are ready to even tolerate my situation. That’s why I choose carefully who I’m going to tell it. I don’t wanna hurt anyone, I don’t want to impose myself. I deal with that since my childhood, and till now I’m scared. So, for someone who always thought that man and woman is the only option, he would be shocked and maybe react badly. 

 

The world changes and “you have to follow the flow” she said “because under the flow, it is not a good place”. You don’t have to understand, neither accept. Tolerate is already a big step. That’s what she did. And I thank her for that.

COMING OUT STORY

Generally, those story are dramatics. But mine is a little funny actually, may be because I only came out to people that I know they would understand my sexual orientation, well, open minded people!

The first time I said “I’m  gay” to someone but myself, it was to one of my best girlfriend. Let’s call her MS. Here the story.

 

I had a one night stand with a guy. And it wasn’t that good. He was sweet and acted like a very gentlemen but … I’m  really not into men. Anyway, that mistake made me figure out how much I like girls. And that pissed me off. I thought it would be just a phase or something that wouldn’t last, but it appears that I was gay! So, to drawn my pain, I get drunk! And MS noticed that I drank more than I should do. So she practically forced me to tell her the truth.

MS : “What’s happen to you? Why you act like this? What’s your problem?” And I just answered : “I’m gay!” She didn’t realize what I’ve told her. In the morning with my hangover, she asked me again. And I replied : “Yeah! I’m totally gay!”.

 

As I told before, she was just one of my best friend. So I have a moral obligation to tell the others. It would be unfair if she’s the only one to know the truth. The others deserve it as well. And so I did. And here are their reactions

KD (girl) : Really? How?

AZ (girl) : You kidding!

LB (girl) : What a pity! I found the perfect guy for you

JN (boy) : I knew it!

V (girl) : I wanna try … not with you, of course!

 

No one had a bad reaction. Even if they didn’t understand, they accepted who I was. And that was for me the best proof of their friendship. And when I’m with them, I can be myself, I mean : it’s not like I going to hit on girls just on front of them ( sometimes I do… when I’m drunk!) but at least I don’t have to hide, I feel free.

 

It’s been one year by now I didn’t come out to anyone. Maybe because the next on line should be parents and relatives ? I’m not ready, not yet! This part would be very dramatic. I came from a semi-conservative family, they don’t even accept that I would live alone. “The only way for you to get out of this house is getting married or studying abroad!” So tell me, how am I supposed to tell them “I will get married but with a girl, if the law allow us?” … please, help!

Malagasy and Lesbian

Hello everybody !

 

I am Malagasy and I am lesbian. For Malagasy people, homosexuality is a taboo. We consider it as a sickness, a psychological disease or a sin, a sexual fantasy. It’s not that at all …

 

I was already gay before knowing the meaning of “homosexuality”. In my childhood, I’ve always chosen girls company. All my crushes during high school were girls. I’ve dated men and women and I really prefer to be with women. Not because men aren’t good, it’s just a matter of preference. It’s just loving someone beyond the gender.

 

Nowadays, only few friends know about my sexual tendency. They completely accept it and even support me. I’d like to say the same thing about my family, but I don’t. My mum believe that it is a sickness that I can cure. My dad think that I deviate from God. They don’t understand, they don’t want to understand, and so are all my relatives. Anyway, I’m not asking them to understand, I hope they respect my choice.

 

So, my blog will deal with being a lesbian living in Antananarivo. Don’t get wrong, I’m not gonna write about my “private life”, I’ll keep private. It’s more about the relation between me and my family, friends, co-workers …